CLICK HERE TO LISTEN (9 MB)
TAKEN FROM: FLAX-GOLDEN TALES
UNIT TEN: HUmor and Satire
E. V. Lucas (England, 1868-1938)
This story was told to me by a friend.
It is my destiny (said he) to buy in the dearest markets and to sell—if I succeed in selling at all—in the cheapest. Usually, indeed, having tired of a picture or decorative article, I have positively to give it away; almost to make its acceptance by another a personal favour to me. But the other day was marked by an exception to this rule so striking that I have been wondering if perhaps the luck has not changed and I am, after all, destined to be that most enviable thing, a successful dealer.
It happened thus. In drifting about the old curiosity shops of a cathedral city I came upon a portfolio of water-colour drawings, among which was one that to my eye would have been a possible Turner,1 even if an earlier owner had not shared that opinion or hope and set the magic name with all its initials (so often placed in the wrong order) beneath it.
“How much is this?” I asked scornfully.
“Well,” said the dealer, “if it were a genuine Turner it would be worth anything. But let’s say ten shillings. You can have it for that; but I don’t mind if you don’t, because I’m going to London next week and should take it with me to get an opinion.”
“Mind you, I don’t guarantee it,” he added.
I gave him the ten shillings.
By what incredible means I found a purchaser for the drawing at fifty pounds there is no need to tell, for the point of this narrative resides not in bargaining with collectors, but in bargaining with my own soul. The astonishing fact remains that I achieved a profit of forty-nine pounds ten and was duly elated.2 I then began to think.
The dealer (so my thoughts ran) in that little street by the cathedral west door, he ought to participate in this. He behaved very well to me and I ought to behave well to him. It would be only fair to give him half.
Thereupon I sat down and wrote a little note saying that the potential Turner drawing, which no doubt he recollected, had turned out to be authentic, and I had great pleasure in enclosing him half of the proceeds, as I considered that the only just and decent course.
Having no stamps and the hour being late I did not post this, and went to bed.
At about 3.30 a.m. I woke widely up and, according to custom, began to review my life’s errors, which are in no danger of ever suffering from loneliness. From these I reached, by way of mitigation, my recent successful piece of chaffering,3 and put the letter to the dealer under both examination and cross-examination. Why (so my thoughts ran) give him half? Why be Quixotic?4 This is no world for Quixotry. It was my eye that detected the probability of the drawing, not his. He had indeed failed; did not know his own business. Why put a premium on ineptitude?5 No, a present of, say, ten pounds at the most would more than adequately meet the case.
Sleep still refusing to oblige me, I took a book of short stories and read one. Then I closed my eyes again, and again began to think about the dealer. Why (so my thoughts ran) send him ten pounds? It will only give him a wrong idea of his customers, none other of whom would be so fair, so sporting, as I. He will expect similar letters every day and be disappointed, and then he will become embittered and go down the vale of tears a miserable creature. He looked a nice old man too; a pity, nay a crime, to injure such a nature. No, ten pounds is absurd. Five would be plenty. Ten would put him above himself.
While I was dressing the next morning I thought about the dealer again. Why should I (so my thoughts ran), directly I had for the first time in my life brought off a financial coup,6 spoil it by giving a large part of the profit away? Was not that flying in the face of the Goddess of Business, whoever she may be? Was it not asking her to disregard me—only a day or so after we had at last got on terms? There is no fury like a woman scorned;7 it would probably be the end of me. City magnates8 are successful probably just because they don’t do these foolish impulsive things. Impulse is the negation of magnatism. If I am to make any kind of figure in this new role of fine-art-speculator (so my thoughts continued) I must control my feelings. No, five pounds is absurd. A douceur9 of one pound will meet the case. It will be nothing to me—or, at any rate, nothing serious—but a gift of quail and manna from a clear sky to the dealer, without, however, doing him any harm. A pound will be ample, accompanied by a brief note.
The note was to the effect that I had sold the drawing at a profit which enabled me to make him a present, because it was an old, and perhaps odd, belief of mine that one should do this kind of thing; good luck should be shared.
After all (so my thoughts ran, as I destroyed the envelope and contents) such bargains are all part of the game. Buying and selling are a perfectly straightforward matter between dealer and customer. The dealer asks as much as he thinks he can extort, and the customer, having paid it, is under no obligation whatever to the dealer. The incident is closed.
1. Turner: A well known English painter (1775-1851).
2. Elated: Very happy.
3. Chaffering: Bargaining, haggling, bartering (nowadays, this word is rarely used).
4 Quixotic: Impracticably idealistic (after Cervantes’ literary character, Don Quixote, who gallantly and mistakenly fights such things as windmills).
5. Ineptitude: Incompetence.
6. Coup: Great success.
7. No fury like a woman scorned: A quotation from Shakespeare: no greater anger (fury) is possible than the anger shown by a woman whose amorous advances have been rejected.
8. Magnates: Wealthy and powerful people; millionaires.
9. Douceur: A conciliatory gift (nowadays, this French word is hardly ever used by English speakers).
10. Bridge: A popular card game, often played for small stakes in clubs. Like chess and backgammon, playing bridge well requires both talent and practice.
11. Disastrously: Here meaning that his playing brought on him a “disaster,” that is, a great loss of money.